Not giving up
by Melskim
Summary: Joxer saw it all, not knowing Xena and Gabrielle had not died. My story takes a turn during the last scene of LDITE. What would have happened if Joxer had taken Eve from Octavius. This story is about the love between friends and how love and grief can change even the most unlikely souls. (This is a shipper fic with some subtext in the mix).
1. Chapter 1

**Not giving up**

By Melskim

PART I

I was watching her. I was always watching her.

I did not offer my help directly, but I had been with her hours ago, she knew I could help. All she needed to do was say the word. I know she knew.

She push me away again of course. I sincerely don't know anymore if she did it out of habit, or because she truly thought I was a pest more than I could be of help.

But the moment I saw her taking her sword… - dread overtook my body – I rushed to her side, not thinking about anything else. I took the cursed blade out of her hands, tossing it carelessly onto the sand.

"No, Xena… don't" I said taking her into my arms.

"Ares, you can't stop me this time", she said between angry tears. She didn't seem surprised to have me there. She took a hold of my arm, almost as if hugging me and then I saw the vial in her hand.

I saw her drink it completely paralyzed. _It was poison._ _She truly wanted to finish it all._ I could not believe my eyes, she was giving up. I heard her saying something, but the words never registered. She turned stiff in my arms in an instant... I felt her drew her final breath and then nothing. I caressed her face with the back of my hand. I felt nothing inside. I felt too much at the same time.

The rest was a blur. I think I tried to fried Athena and the other cowards, they were already dematerializing.

I do not know how many hours passed since I put her in her icy bed. I stayed there looking at her frozen lips unable to move. My eyes stung with something I didn't dare to contemplate. It was salty when it touched my lips.

When it started getting dark I created with my powers small lanterns - never extinguishing lights - to bring some clarity to her darkness. I watched the lights play in her face and it hurt and I was angry because I would never see her eyes alight again.

 _Mortals die, she told me once._

Damn her to Tartarus! I said between clenched teeth – how dare she! – She wasn't supposed to go - she was mine. My mind was going round and round on the memory of her body falling flat against mine. I don't know how I was able to suppress the pen-up anger I felt towards her in those moments.

Never in my eternal life have I felt this inscrutable pain in my chest, it wasn't going away… like a dagger that's nested there with no way to take it out.

I'd been hearing Athena calling me for the last few days, but I can't make my feet move, I think I've fallen asleep at some point while sitting on the ground next to Xena's coffin. I ignored her still, that selfish uptight bitch could wait.

I closed my eyes again, trying to make the nuance of pain go way and open them again when suddenly bright light disturbed my grief.

"Ares" I heard Aphrodite called me in a small voice, her eyes darting from my prone position to the coffins between me.

"Get out Aphrodite" I said when lifting my eyes to meet hers, she had pity directed at me on those damn blue pools.

"Ares", she said again tenderly, daring to touch my arm, her eyes filled with tears.

I shuddered her off to stand tall in front of her like lighting. I brought my hands to crash her shoulders. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling. "I said, get out!" I roared to her face.

I heard her whimpered and mumbled platitudes, like saying 'Sorry' would make it all better and Xena would suddenly wake up. I pushed her with all my might to the ground. Wanting her to hurt.

Standing up, she looked at me with that same damn pity. "They were my friends, too", she said then to me. Like that made it alright for her to bargain in into my princess sanctuary. She left.

I went back to pay vigil, this time standing next to her unmoving body. I start covering her with an icy lid, like I did days ago with that annoying blonde friend of hers.

From somewhere deep within me, I told her everything that I had not had the courage to tell her when she was alive.

"You're with her now. I handled you- all wrong. I know that. She knew what you needed- unconditional- and unselfish love- and I couldn't give that to you. But I appreciated you in ways she never could- your rage- your violence- your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers- but when you kicked ass- you were mine. I love you, Xena."

I kissed her frozen lips for the last time, covered her and walked out of the cave vowing to myself that if there was anything I could do to bring her back, even if that meant that she would never be with me, I would do it.

If given the opportunity I would not let it passed like I did that time she died at roman's hands. If she ever were to come back. I would set things right.

Before leaving the mountain, I sealed the cave, making it impossible for any god to trespass into her resting place. I didn't want Aphrodite or any of them disturbing her.

XXX

When I got down to the beach it was already too late.

The last I saw of my friends, was Xena's dead body in Ares' arms.

 _I saw his face too._

His face was the one thing that made me realized that yes, indeed - they were gone.

 _Dead. Not coming back._

I stayed there unmoving. Could not make my feet move, I was nailed there looking into the flames - the cart still had small flames - the fire it had caught. Nailed to the last place where Gabrielle had breathed.

I don't know for how long I stayed there but at some point I heard horses coming my way. That made me snapped out of it. My grief could wait. I needed to move. Needed to get out of there, there was no point in staying. _Gabrielle and Xena and little Eve, they were all gone._

I was on my way to get into the woods again, when a voice stopped me.

I don't think, I had had the strength to fight. Not that I was a real fighter like Xena, but I know I wouldn't have had the strength to it. I was too shock to do anything.

I stopped death in my tracks. The horse next to me was Roman, the rider at least was.

"You are Joxer, right?" A gentle voice asked me.

"Yes", I said warily. "Who's asking?" I replied in kind.

"Octavius, general of the empire". I flinched at this pompous title. See I had been there when the Romans crucified my friends. He saw me flinch and lift his hand in peace. "I'm Xena and Gabrielle's friend". He said rapidly.

Sorrow enter my soul at having someone uttering their names. I told him then. "They are dead. Athena killed them a few hours ago" I said angrily looking back at his small army, like that would had made a difference against the gods. "You're late".

He regard me in a strange way, understanding sinking in his eyes. He shook his head, "They are not dead… it was the tears what you saw Xena drink, Celesta's tears". He looked at me again my heart clinging to the hope that his words where true, "Where are their bodies? He asked.

"He took them, Ares took them", I replied in a whisper.

"No", I heard him gasped. And then I heard it, a faint sound and a small whimper. _Eve_. Realization hit me, Eve was alive and in the hands of a Roman man.

"Eve", I whispered. I don't know what came over me, but I reached out and took the baby from his arms. "Eve", I whispered again taking her little hand in mine.

The roman continued talking, I barely listened… "Xena had a plan they would drink the tears of Celesta, it was supposed to make the sleep for a few days... a plan to fool the gods, to make them look away while they left Greek soil." I looked up at him when he reach for Eve.

I moved to a side not letting him touch her. "Joxer, she is not safe in Greece", he tried to coax my hand.

"What do you plan to do with her?" I challenged.

"Take her to Rome". He replied almost snatching the girl out of my arms. I moved again.

"No, Xena wouldn't want her daughter there". I said adamantly shaking my head. I had an idea of Xena's feelings for the romans, I was certain she wouldn't have wanted her daughter there. "Give her to me. I am no one, I can take care of her". I could be a fool, but I was an honest fool, I could do it – take care of the daughter of my friends.

"She will be treated like a princess, live in a villa with everything she needs", Octavius tried to reason with me, but I would not let him take her. He would need to kill me first.

"No Octavius" I breathed in. "Apologies for the disrespect, but Xena wouldn't have wanted her daughter raise by a roman general". I was harsh. I needed be.

He eyed me again, not knowing if to trust me or not, but he was doubting, so I pushed. "Eve deserve a better life, a life outside from the killing, far from armies. She deserve peace, she is already an orphan", I continued kissing her cheek. "You won't have the time to raise her… Xena trusted you, but I don't think she trusted whoever you will give the child to".

He was a roman general, with the responsibilities of his status.

"Xena and Gabrielle are gone, Ares took them; there is no way we can do anything for them – they might as well be a pile of ash for everything we know." I pushed. "But Eve… I will raise it as my own. I am no one, I can do it", I repeated rocking the child in my arms.

And the just like that, he relented. He didn't fight for her. In that moment I knew I was doing right thing, Eve deserved someone wanting to protect her - until death if needed. Like her mother and Gabrielle had done.

"You are a good man Joxer, if you ever need anything, come look for me". Those were his parting words. I nodded to him and he offered me a horse with basics and just like that he left.

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

PART II

I saw myself with a baby, Xena's baby girl. The need to hide became imperative the moment I realized that this time I couldn't make mistakes. Night was getting near, I needed to find a place to rest and keep Eve safe. Never in my life had I picture myself with a kid… I didn't know the first thing about them. I knew they needed to be fed and changed, but that was it. Never had I been entrusted with something so precious.

I made a small camp for the night, found some wood for a fire, Eve slept at my side until the morning. When I woke up I almost had a heart attack, she had moved during the night and wasn't where I left but a few paces away, very much awake and playing with my helmet.

"Hi Evie!" I said when the panic wore off. Her reply only baby's grin and a small grunt.

Saying her name, I panic thinking about what her name meant, it needed a change.

"Do you like Sarah? I said in a warm voice while taking the helmet from her tinny hands and bringing her to me. She frowned. "Ok, I take that as a no… what about Selene?" I asked ticking her belly.

She took my finger and almost crush it with all her might. "Ok, ok ouch, that is definitely a no... You are a hard lady!" I took out the bottle Octavius had given me with goat milk, warming it up in what was left of the fire.

"Livia!" I suddenly said. She grinned. "Livia it is", I said bringing it to her lips, trying to make her drink it, some spilling I realized that I needed to change the angle of the bottle. "This is harder than it looks, you know little Livia". I said moving the child in my arms.

We hiked north that morning, almost non-stop. We needed to get somewhere safe. Before breaking camp, I hide my helmet and noisy armor. I had travelled with Xena and Gabrielle and even if I knew I was no hero, Gabrielle had detailed that fantastic piece of metal I wore as armor in her stories, I was sure of it. I could not afford being recognized.

I buried it under a big oak tree, vowing I would do what it took to protect my little Livia, even if that meant disappearing from Greece.

The first idea I had was going to Amphipolis, surely Xena's mom would help and would be able to care for little Ev - …Livia I corrected myself. But no, I was sure Athena would be watching there, I am no fool after all. Any of those people could let it slip, they had seen the baby for sure.

No, I moved west, to Corinth. I knew I could find Meg there. She was a woman, she may know how to care for a baby and she kinda liked me, I confidently thought to myself.

That night I got into the bad part of the city, Eve was fussing a bit, I didn't know what to do to make her quiet. I felt relieved when I got inside the tavern. Not the best of places, but who would look for the bringer of twilight in a bordello.

XXX

The uptight bitch seems be feel more than comfortable on old bastard's throne. For all I care she could have it. But what I certainly wanted was to erase from her face that self-satisfied grin never leaving her features. All my rage was just below surface, ready to snap – I could feel it inside me. I cursed her again.

Never in all my existence, I've hated her with all the encompassing-never-ending fury I had bottled inside me on that very moment.

Watching her talking to the great council of Olympians fools, I could only think on one thing. My vengeance. It will be far greater than the pain ripping apart my soul.

It would be sweet to my lips, crushing her bones under my palms. My revenge will come like lighting and the thunder of it will be heard until the end of time. I vowed to it. I shall even lay my immortal life for it to come true. Even if it is the very last thing I could do for _her_ , for myself.

Listening to my sister congratulating herself in front of my brothers and sisters, was too much to bare. I focus my attention on the others. I felt some kind of satisfaction from seeing how Hephaestus tried in vain to get near my sister, only to be brush up by her manicure hand.

For what has been denied to my being over the millennia, it served him right. Let him suffer. I said.

Deep down, I do hope my sister does not forgive him, but do return to him. I know his excruciating pain, being denied by the only being one loves. I can see how this is going to be a curse, all my thoughts coming back to _her_.

My musings heard Hades talking about the new Olympian order, how things will work now that almighty Zeus and mother were dead. I take one second, to remember her, Hera. Probably the reason I love my Princess. I shall miss her. I give a single prayer in her name closing my eyes, and then is when I see it. Her light is not all vanished.

I cleared my throat, "Before we let Athena enjoy her power trip, should we not make sure Zeus and Hera are truly gone?" I placed the question to the great council of idiots, spatting venom on Athena's name – they all see my trouble face, the barely control rage emanating from my godly body. They fear. They are right fearing me.

"Nephew, I assure you, they are dead." Hades begins. But I didn't let him continue. "I am not talking to you Hades – I don't trust your word more than I can throw you". A few gasps could be heard.

The rest doesn't know it, but I did have a few words with him when my Xena was giving birth to the girl child. He promised he wouldn't get involved – he lied.

Persephone small voice came in his defense. "Ares, I… I did see your father crossing, as for your mother" she made a pause and I had to look up her way. "Yes?" I asked pressingly.

"Hera was swallowed by Zeus might, for all we know, she crossed with him" I nodded at her, acknowledging her sincerity.

"It seems to me, we don't know what became of Hera – our Queen" I said with deference and trying to sting at Athena all I could.

Murmurs could be heard all over the great hall, and I felt good for a split second. I tuned out the rest of the meeting, but I did catch the overall meaning, Athena will not be crowned ruler of Olympus in the near future.

That was a small victory for me. A victory nevertheless. I disappeared to one of me temples as soon as the fates released us.

Aphrodite followed me. "I don't have time for you sister" I roared as she tried to approach me.

"Hey, hey, I am not the baddie here, chill bro!" she looked at me defiantly and for a second I thought I was looking right into Xena's eyes. I looked away. I am sure as Tartarus she caught as the pain flash once again my face.

"What do you want now Aphrodite?" I asked between clench teeth.

She eyed me with her big eyes and saying in a small voice, "Can I see them?" She asked tearing the last of my self-control. "No" I growled. I stood up menacing toward her. "No, Aphrodite, you cannot – now get out of my sight". I said taking her arm forcefully and pushing her for good measure away from me.

She tried again, but I didn't let her speak. I just blasted a fireball in her direction. She left me alone after that, not without looking my way with pity in her eyes. I cursed her and her damn mantle closing my own eyes before disappearing to what I had started considering sacred ground.

XXX

I felt uneasy, I told myself that Eve was save in the care of Meg. Nevertheless, anguish was eating me up. But I needed to know. And if I have learn one things about the gods travelling with Gabrielle and Xena, was that the love goddess could be trusted.

Feeling strange waking through the agora without my armor, without my sword, I kept going. My hand going to my side from time to time, ready to use the only piece of weapon I had not been able to detached myself from. A small dagger.

I stopped at the market to buy a scented candle and some flowers and continued to the temple. I wasn't sure if going to see a god was the smartest thing to do, but I needed to followed my guts and Aphrodite was the safest bet.

I entered the temple, knelt in front of the altar for a second and closed my eyes. I called her in my mind, placing the candle and the flowers on top of the piece of marble and said her name a couple of times. Nothing happened.

I tried again, I begged this time for her to appeared. Nothing.

I waited a couple of hours inside the temple, saying her name from time to time, pacing the floor. The priestesses eyed me weird, but they had only approached me once; when I had first entered the temple. They let me be, and I was grateful for that.

Out of my desperation, I trip breaking a beautiful jar painted in red, "Great now, I am breaking god's property. You are going to get yourself kicked out Joxer" I said to myself and the continued musing, "What would Xena do to go get Aphrodite's attention" I tripped again, this time catching on the last second an amphora before making it to little pieces on the ground. I took a big breath and turned to leave, deciding that this was a waste of time.

Out of thin air and before I had walked a foot, she was there in all her pink glory. "Well, for starters Xena would had begun by smashing all my amphoras to sheds the moment I didn't reply to her first syllable". She said in a sweet voice touching my arm.

"I am sorry Joxer, I know how much you loved Gabrielle". The sincerity of her words took all the air from my lungs. So, it was true, they were dead. She continued her babblings, not letting me speak.

"But is so sad, my bro, is completely bumped" she sighed sitting herself in a big pink couch that wasn't there a second ago.

"You see, Xena was his world, I don't think the warrior babe knew to what extent my bro lo.. care for her" I looked at her when she paused to take a breath. She looked at me in the eye. In that moment she knew, I knew. "Hard to miss, even for a fool like me" I shuddered, replying with a sad smile to her inquiring eyes.

"Anyway" she continued her tale while looking to her nails "He took them to an icy cave – it gives me the chills" I sharply looked at her, she didn't seem to noticed what she was telling me. "Now, he doesn't even let me get near them. You see, I never said goodbye – Xena has been my friend for years – I deserved to say goodbye to my friends – is so sad"

I think she used that word a thousand times while she was in the temple with me. She also said that Ares hideout cave was in Mount Etna, outside from Greek jurisdiction, but inside of his esphere. She kept babbling about how herself and Ares had taken interest in Rome a while back and had adopted patronage there, not all the gods had yet pay interest in that land. I didn't care, but what I did care, was how the cave was facing Greece, so "his Xena" Aphrodite had told me, could still see her home from there.

The she began retelling about how he did let her get away with everything and how much pride he took on my friend. I didn't know much about what had gone between Xena and Ares, but I did know there was history there, and I had seen them almost get marry in front of the fates. He did care for her, in his own selfish way. And Xena, well, she did have a soft spot for him as far as I could tell.

When Aphrodite got tired on dulling on such depressing subjects – her words, not mine. she just got up, pat my back, blowed me a kiss and disappeared in a flash of light. I wondered if she realized she never let me breath one word…

I got back to Meg with a headache, but determination. I would find them. Hoping it wasn't too late.

XXX

The world did not hear about the god of war for more than a mortal year. No soul had seen him. No god or goddess dare approach him anymore. Especially not since he almost killed Discord with the dagger of Helios a few weeks after Athena and his minions had killed his Xena. Good riddance for the bondage witch, taunting him openly like that.

It happens, the unbelievable had happened. The mighty god of war was grieving.

I think I was the only one that dared getting near him during those terrifying months. He wouldn't allow me touching him, but I saw him from time to time. His grief was tearing at my heart, as love could only feel. Gods, how much he loved her.

On the first anniversary of her death, he disappeared on me for a few days, I knew where he was. I didn't try to reach him. When a month has passed, I went to see him.

"Bro, I know you are busy looking at the void, but there is this morgel that is terrorizing my temple priestesses near Thessaly" He didn't even look my way, but he did open his eyes at my words. "Would you mind, like, to go there and scare the pink out of those filthy brutes?" I asked in my most adorable voice.

I was enchanting those mortals, my bro kinda needed it, the action. He has been on that damn throne for over a year, he needed to start moving if he was ever going to move on with this life.

"If it will make you stop pestering me!" he said with more emphasis than I had heard in a long time.

"Perfect, thank you Bro, remember my temple near Thessaly" I vanished waiting to see if he would move.

Hours after, he did. He went there, did his bloody-bloody threats and gut them like fishes before nonchalantly going back to his temple, his steps made me think about before. It was the right thing to do. He needed this. I am sooo placing more of these fake pillages next week. I disappeared for real this time.

XXX

After convincing Meg to come with me… I had to give it to her, she followed me blindly. She was a good woman – her former profession excluded. I care for her, and she was great with my little Livia. I didn't tell her Livia was Xena's daughter. When I went to her, I only told her, that the mother was dead. She just filled the blanks herself and I didn't correct her – it was safer for her, safer for Livia.

I've been almost a year since we settled at the foot of Mount Etna. Meg and I, opened a tavern with some beds in the second floor as makeshift inn. We were thinking on making it a full inn in the future. The area was promising Meg's said, especially with all the traffic going into Rome now days.

For the other part of the story, it felt bad lying to her. Every day after serving breakfast at the tavern and before dinner needed to be prepared, I would go to the mountain, search the area.

At first it was a random search, I would go from one side to the other without marking my search – just with the profound notion that they were there – somewhere.

As days become weeks and the weeks become months, I started to be more detailed. It has become an obsession, but Octavius words kept pressuring my temples "they are not dead Joxer", he had told me, _"What you saw her drink was Celesta's tears..."_

It was what kept me moving, what made me forget about tiredness and the cold of the mountain.

I started on the east from the base, after twelve months of searching I knew this mountain like the back of my hand, but still had many miles to cover.

Six month more had to passed until I started reaching the peak, the air up there was more difficult to breath. Nonetheless I kept going. The view from up there was majestic, worthy of the gods, it made think that I was near.


End file.
